Where I do a feminist reading of a terrible film.

Ok, we have all seen terrible films, I for one, occasionally really enjoy and am pleasurably astounded by how terrible some movies are able to be. Many a welcome night has been spent glued to the 'Zone Horror' channel watching some crazed dwarf chase a 1980s lady, complete with tight perm and neon leggings, through an MDF graveyard. However, there's kind of a limit with modern films as you can't blame it on them being:
a. dated or
b. Outside your pop culture knowledge.

This brings me to the sad story I have to tell you: last week I saw Wrath of the Titans. Bar having the obvious things wrong with it, for example Festus the "Fallen God" had a Yorkshire accent and, though I am pro-multicultural films, its a bit unconvincing that the Greek Gods included an Italian, an Australian, three Brits and a man who appeared to be half donkey or at least facially 90% teeth, it was a patriarchal nightmare.

Here is what happens with a feminist slant to it:

Perseus, an acceptable form of masculinity, is working as a fisherman after defeating the Kraken. He is however failing his societally per scribed masculine roles as his wife has died and he now takes full account of the child rearing of his son. He lives peacefully with his son as a fisherman (a non manly job, like being a lollipop man) THIS MUST BE STOPPED shrieks Greece. At the same time the 'imaginary' (imaginary/symbolic is associated with the female in the stage of a child's development) world of the Gods is crumbling as people don't believe in them anymore (like women's liberation's values). This is making way for the 'realist,' masculine world of modern human beings. In order to bring up his son Heleus, terrible name (I hope his dad chose it), in a fitting world Perseus (who is physically strong) must stop the negative portrayals of masculinity: the God of war (Ares) who is dumb and Hades (Rafe Fiennes who now is only able to play mythical bad guys with small noses) who is weak and feminised from resurrecting Kronos who is a man but is feminised as he gave birth to the world, see where this is going?.

Hades and Ares have Zeus locked up in the underworld and are draining his power to feed Kronos, which gives the idea of the feminine, maternal 'other' draining the masculine provider.To stop this Perseus, a donkey faced half God called Agenor and Andromeda, who is supposed to be a warring Queen but spends much of the film trapped, being freed and failing to land a single punch, hop off to an island to find Festus, a mad fallen God, not dissimilar in appearance to a rolling stone, who listens to an owl for advice. They take the phallic symbol Poseidon's trident with them which leads the way to the destination (we're all lost without a willy).

After a brief unconvincing battle, the party find Festus who agrees to show them how to get to the underworld. Ahem, however, one of the silly women has prayed to Ares, even though she was told not to by the men in charge and so Ares rightfully comes an kills her for being so silly. She has chosen the wrong kind of masculinity to value and shall be punished.

In the labyrinth whilst Andromeda and Donkey Face are lost and trembling for the 90th time, Perseus flexes about and kills a minotaur, a bulls head offering a figure of domesticated/controlled male sexuality, cause he's one masculine guy. Then they save Zeus, but Kronos gets out anyway, cause he's a bit feminine and they always comes back to cause more trouble (just like in the 70s). Later on, Perseus has to fight Ares up a mountain (queue a lot of grunts) in front of his son, he wins (obviously). Hades, sorry for his crimes comes to restore Zeus' power with the new reinstated sense of male solidarity (homosocial and competitive regarding a feminised character, but allowed cause it's not homosexual), they are able to assert their status over their female matriarch, and kick some ass.Then everyone does some fighting (only the boys land punches) and they beat Kronos, by putting all the phallic symbols of Zeus' lightning bolt, Hades' spear and Poseidon's trident together and *poking him with it* (they figuratively shag Kronos to death = Oedipus complex). By doing this the boys defeat their adolescence in which they were able to be dominated by women who 'gave birth' to them.

At the end Perseus decides to be a soldier instead of a fisherman (which is a respectable job, like a fireman) and hands over the sword (a phallic symbol of patriarchy) to his son to show this is how men must continue. Everyone has a girl, even Donkey face, though it seems not to matter that his may not speak the same language as him. Perseus gets with Andromeda (now he wont have to child rear!) 'claiming' her as a won possession and restoring the heterosexual matrix of society.

Everybody is terribly happy and they all have cake.

Poor old Zeus, he could have sorted all that out after a couple of hours with Freud.

Bye now xxxxxxxxx